All Hearts are dead except those with knowledge... All those with knowledge are asleep except those who perform good actions... All those who perform good actions are deceived except those with sincerity... And all those with sincerity are in a constant state of anxiety... [Imam Shafi'i]

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Untitled

Salams all,

Shomoi kibhabe chole jai, its so scary to even think abt it. Ramadhan started an entire 23 days ago and we have around 7 more days left. Not just this month but when i reflect on my entire life, I cant believe how soon it has passed by me. I will be 19 soon insha Allah. Now i know why HP was so philosophical abt turning 19. Although i lack her eloquence and perception i am still capable of understanding what she went thru (I think :S) and let me tell u, its an extremely scary feeling.

Anyway, sheita arek kotha, but let me tell u all a bit abt how my Ramadhan has been. I am so ashamed of myself! I have been a total idiot this Ramadhan. These days I am getting even more and more influenced by the environment I'm in. In my household, even in Ramadhan, I am the ONLY one who has been praying 5X a day. Certain persons have been not fasting without valid reasons. Certain persons continually listens to music. Certain persons do not pray taraweeah because (I quote) "eita to foroj na". Not a single person, besides me, has picked up the Quran. What I have been seeing all around me in Ramadhan is NOT ibadah but rather music, idle talk, backstabbing, obscene speech and countless other things that I know to be haram.

I would really like to meet some1 (in this time) who is in a very similar position 2 me and is surviving a lot better than me. I need a mentor who can be my inspiration. It's been almost 6 years, and believe me at times my patience has been tested to an extent where I was actually planning to run away, at times even commit suicide. But I knew neither would EVER be an option 4 a true Muslim, hence I brushed them off everytime alhamdulillah. It's just as time goes by, I feel like I'm getting weaker. I know it's no ones fault but my own and I need to tidy up my own acts and insha Allah I will do that but khub eka eka lage sometimes, lol (recognise the quote guys?). The support of a family means so much! Those that have it (in terms of practicing Islam) will not realise EXACTLY how much it means unless they lose it (Allah forbid!).

Anyways, 4give my whinging session, monta khub kharap lagchilo. Thank u 4 reading (if u bothered).

Wassalam,
-iishii-

PS. I wont delete this blog for the time being. But sometime in the near future i might feel random and spontaneous and might just delete it without telling any1. I have my reasons for doing so when and if i do. So age theke janiye dilam :P

13 Comments:

Blogger Em said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:27 pm

 
Blogger -iishii- said...

Jazakallahu khairan em bhai for your advise and your duas. Alhamdulillah I am feeling OK today and ur advise really did help to make it even better.

U c, I am trying with my family (ammu, abbu and lil sis) and each of them (as I have come 2 realise) have different things that turn them towards Islam.

Like with my mum for example, she REALLY likes listening 2 ME talk abt Islam. She duznt usually listen to other people talk abt it very much but apparently ami naki take khub bhalo kore bujhate pari alhamdulillah. So she gets influenced by me quite a lot. But there are negative influences on her (like some other aunties). Topics that get her interested are positive things like Allah's mercy, repentance, paradise, etc... But if i speak of negative things like hell ammu khub bhoi pai and she gets panick attacks. I mention in sis PsuedoArabs blog that ammu has serious deppression so I have 2 be very careful what I say to her, especially abt Islam.

My sis and i r like best friends alhamdulillah, kintu if i tell her abt her islamic duties she gets quite angry at me and usually we end up in a big jhogra. But if i tell her stories and spiritual things (iman boosters) she does listen. So thats what I'm working on now with her. Plus, she is highyl influenced by her frends so I'm always prayin that she finds good company.

Abbu is the only1 i dont no how to get to. He has many friends who are atheists and they willingly try to pick a fight with me. But I have always remained respectful 2 them and not been as agro as they have, so they have immediately assumed my politeness as my surrendering the discussion to them. Abbuke niyei shob cheye worry hoi because i have NO idea what gets him thinking.

Alhamdulillah ami kokhono dhormer naam-e baba mar shathe kharap bebohar korini. Prothom prothom kortam because I was new to it all and it was too hard 2 take in. Kintu oi experience gular jonnoi ami onek dhorjo dhorte parchi ekhon alhamdulillah.

I will try your advise on my family asap insha Allah. Because the devils are chained up this month so i shud use it well to give dawah. And dawah should always start with your own family, right? Jazakallah again. Keep me in all ur prayers :D

1:59 pm

 
Blogger ashes2ashes said...

Ishii, don't know what to say...because alH my family has always been very supportive. But, even after all that I haven't been able to do much this Ramadan! So you see although family environment is important, at the end of the day its upto you.
I agree with em, make dua for your family, but remember that at the end you will be held responsible for your actions by Allah, yours only...you can try to help others, but they may not take you up on it! You however, cannot despair if your persuasion doesn't seem to work...you never know, one day Allah might make that person more god-fearing that you!
The other thing is, I think you can stop stuff like the music, etc by making them understand at least for this month they must try and sacrifice those things.

And, btw...you have friends that care deeply about you and your welfare...so talk to them regularly to get inspiration! Lastly, remember that life's not easy but the harder you try the more rewards you'll get, iA!

2:52 pm

 
Blogger Emu said...

Salams peach,
not very good at this advice giving stuff (u may well know), but just on the same note as ash and em - ur job is to give da'wah; "Therefore give admonition in case the admonition profits (the hearer)" (A'la:9).

and in case u feel to be the only one in this position, don't - there's always someone else going thru a similar situation...or worse

9:10 pm

 
Blogger Em said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:20 am

 
Blogger -iishii- said...

Jazakallah ash and emu 4 ur advice. Khub bhalo legeche that u responded :D

Ash: I know exactly what u mean abt it being up to us at the end and family shouldnt really affect who WE are as muslims. But the sad thing is that sometimes i feel like i have a valid excuse 4 not doing things. I dont mean the obligatory duties but smaller things that add up to a lot in the end. I know its not a valid excuse. U no the hadith abt bad company? I cant remember the exact words (can sum1 help me?). Was it a blacksmith? If u live with 1, even if u rnt 1 u'll come out looking like 1. And the same with a perfume seller. Remember that 1? I feel like I'm being scarred by this environment. But i know thats the complete rong attitude to have because onek nabi-ra and sahabah-ra survive koreche in worse situations than me! Plus, if Allah put me in this situation it must be coz i can take it insha Allah. u lot just keep me in ur dua's, ok?

Emu:I know there are ppl a LOT worse off than me and i know a lot of them quite personally. So I of all people shud not be the ungrateful bum that i sometimes become!

em: Ameen 2 ur dua. I know, Allah (SWT) has blessed me with some AMAZING sisters masha Allah. Without them i think ami ekdom bhenge portam. Allah jane je i cant cope without them, thats y i'm here with them because whatever Allah has placed me in is because I can cope and I need it 4 my own betterment.

I shall try with daddy dear like u sed insha Allah. Actually, abbu and i r so close alhamdulillah! I have not met a single girl who is as close to both her parents as me. Alhamdulillah I am in a much better position than a lot of people. So now its all up 2 me! Allah help me! Amar jonno onek dua korbe shobai, please!

5:57 pm

 
Blogger flynn.t said...

Asalaamu alaikum wr wb
Do you ever get the feeling of helplessness, Ishi? Well, that would be my situation right now.
I kind of delayed this comment for a reason (which I won't divulge), but suffice to say:

...The call to prayer
Tugs at our souls.
We raise our hands
And Allah consoles...

NTC
Remember this Ishi??

For now, be consoled by the fact that there IS an end to this... and hopefully, the end for you & your "choddo- gushti" is Jannah.(can't believe I'm using Banglish).

PS- I was sooooo confused by "EM" & "EMU"... lol! I almost had one of Ash's cardiac arrests when I saw what I though EMU had written, when in fact, it was EM... LOL!!

9:38 pm

 
Blogger flynn.t said...

PS- how cool is the fact that random Muslim brothers/ sisters are making du'a for you??
Anywhere I go, if I know there's another Muslim there, it just feels that little bit more like home... SubhanAllah- this is why maintaining the bond of brother/sister -hood is Fard!

Sorry- just thought I'd rant about a random thought I had.

9:42 pm

 
Blogger HijabiPrincess said...

i did not read this post before which explains my lack of comment. even now, after reading the post, i sat there for a long time because i felt the way flynn did... i dont know what to say. whatever i say, i know i am not in the position so its easy for me to say... you are always in our prayers ishi.

you know about asiya the wife of pharao, don't you ishi? pharao was one of the heinous personality of all time yet Asiya will be one of the leaders of Jannah... because even after being his wife, even though she couldn't save him from all his evil works, she survived.

I will remind you something you said a few days ago. about the package deal of Allah, Allah gives you things that add upto a 100. that doesnt mean He has to give equal proportions of everything, right? you have a Muslim network around you who are always praying for you, feeling for you.

secondly, Allah only puts ppl through difficult tests when He has the confidence in that person of being capable of passing the test. Subhanallah ishi, Allah has so much faith in you ishi!

so do I. Alhamdulillah you are dealing with your parents really well. when Baba went to your house uncle was full on praising you for being so good to him and aunty. Aunty always praises you in disguise of compaining for "spoiling" her with "ador". Ishi, just talking to them makes one feel their love and adoration for you. Its not easy being a daughter like that, I told you I always look for inspirations from you in these kind of things. :).

Even though my family is Islamic alhamdulillah, I had always been surrounded by non-practicing friends. It is hard I know, at times you get so tired of fighting and resisting, you feel so lonely, you just want to give in. But don't. Because remember you have the friend and guardian whom no one can beat--Allah. Allah is always there for you with all His might and love. Throw away all your glass ceiling theories and know that you don't have to be a perfect or successful muslim, you just have to be a "trying muslim", always, and you are done. Always say, "Hasbiallahu niwal waqeel, wa niwaal maola wa ni'man naseer" (dont know the exact meaing but means something like, asking Allah for being your guardian and protector.)

Change in people can happen in a sec or it may take ages. Hazrat Salman only found Islam when he was 80, but he found Islam. Abu Sufian, Hinda (R) they were constantly called towards Islam for ages... over 20 years... but they did nothing but fight against it. However, they did find Islam, at last... It may take time for your family to find Islam, just keep praying... you will get there inshallah. My dua is always with you.

10:18 am

 
Blogger Em said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:25 am

 
Blogger -iishii- said...

Flynn: I remember that poem. I also remember that i liked it so much i had it memorized! But sadly, i've 4gotten it now. So, jazakallah for the reminder. And I feel so blessed and gifted for having so many people pray 4 me alhamdulillah. I cant explain how happy that makes me feel. Insha Allah u all r in my prayers too :)

HP (not Harry Potter :P): I am ABSOLUTELY in love with Aasiyah (RA). She has been my example and role model for quite some time now. Everytime I read her story I not only cry but get filled with a new sense of inspiration. I've even planned that my daughter's name will be Aasiyah insha Allah when the time comes, lol.

The thing abt my parents, well, i feel like I'm a very bad daughter. Because I am terrible @ giing dawah 2 them. Sheba jotno is 1 thing but thats not all that makes up a good daughter. I have to try my dawah skills with them more now.

I really do hope its true that Allah has faith in my abilities and He's testing me. How do u distinguish between a test and a punishment? Not saying that it is a punishment what im going thru but i guess i dont no :S

em: Jazakallahu khairan for the translation. Insha Allah i will try to memorize it soon :D

12:55 pm

 
Blogger eccentric_human said...

salaam ishi. sorry to b the last one here.MashaAllah u have got many advisers with great advices.. i wont bore u up with any new one.
Just wanted to tell u one thing. My family is Islamic Alhamdulillah, and even though I find some situations where I feel completely lost. I feel soo saad, feel like dumping the whole life and go to a place where only me and my LOVE ALLAH is there.. alone..

and in these situations i read a book-(besides Quran)..my favorite book DOn't Be Sad. Collect that book from Inti.. it's really a great remedy to sadness and hopelessness.
U should be grateful at least to have all ur family members together. U don't know how it feels to be far from them. Read my recent post and u will understand.
InshaAllah you and your family will always be in my prayers.
Jazaak Allah Khair. May Allah be always with you, your family and the Whole Muslil Ummah. Ameen.

3:03 pm

 
Blogger flynn.t said...

Just remembered the story of a girl I know: She really, really wanted to practice Islam, but her Parents were against it... not because they weren't "Islamic", but because thy were afraid for her.
At any rate, she basically spent the first few weeks practicing in secret, stealing away times for Silamic studies, attending halqa & etc. When she asked her "mentor" (can't think of a better word), she was told to stop her secrecy. No matter what the consequnces, it is far better to "be an open book", so to speak (but of course, you must use hiqma).
She was afraid of the consequnces she would have to face if she told her Parents, but did so anyway. As a result she was virtually imprisoned at home.
This girl, she's not one easily be swayed. After a while, she realised one thing that would give her an edge- her mother LOVED to read/recite Quran (but not the meaning). So she planned, and from that day on, she would read aloud from Tafhim-ul Quran in the kitchen, after Fajr, while her mother was busy cooking/ cleanin/etc.
Eventually (weeks/ months afterwards), her mother was so much more accepting of her daughter wanting to practice Islam to her utmost, simply because she'd been listening to the lessons taught in the Quran... lessons she'd never heard of before.

SubhanAllah, all you need are a few months, a technique that works for you/ your family, and InshaAllah- you'll be fine.

PS- this isn't a story I just made up- it's true... it never ceases to inspire/amaze me... SubhanAllah. But don't ask who this "girl" is... I won't say.

3:54 pm

 

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